JOHN LEE

Some people just can’t wait to hit the road and start behaving badly, which is why the Travel Hall of Infamy has been the gift that keeps on giving for more than 40 years. From wombat snatching to castle vandalizing to naked airline pilots, John Lee charts another year of shameful tourist shenanigans.

 

The Sit-down Smackdown Award

…goes to the two tourists at Verona’s Palazzo Maffei museum who wanted to photograph themselves pretending to sit on the crystal-covered contemporary artwork, “Van Gogh’s Chair.” One cautious aesthete carefully air squats above the Swarovski-slathered creation. But when the other takes his turn, he collapses onto it like a sack of spuds tumbling from a delivery truck. CCTV footage supplied to police shows the pair quickly scarpering––while the magnanimous artist later described their seat-crumpling exploits as “a kind of performance.”

 

The Stone Cold Idiot Award

…goes to the visitors at Ardvreck, a 500-year-old ruined castle in the Scottish Highlands, who were annoyed to find their walking route obstructed by a large puddle. Cleverly, the resourceful history-huggers MacGyvered a stepping-stone pathway to cross the watery impediment. Not so cleverly, they tore down a section of castle wall––originally built by the MacLeods of Assynt around 1490––to obtain their construction materials. A spokesperson later described the masonry miscreants as “special individuals” who didn’t want to “get their little tootsies wet.”

 

The Flagpole Flap Award

…goes to the Bosnia and Herzegovina influencer shooting her latest video epic in Cappadocia, central Turkey. On camera, the beaming prancer cavorts across the rooftop of centuries-old Uchisar Castle in skin-tight yoga pants. But when she spots a sturdy metal post, she adds an energetic pole-dancing routine for the edification of her slavering Insta-followers. Unfortunately for her, the pole was flying the Turkish flag and her crotch-forward footage prompted officials to launch a criminal investigation for disrespecting the national symbol––with a possible five-year prison sentence.

 

The Captain (No) Underpants Award

…goes to the EasyJet pilot enjoying a little me time between flights at a luxury Cape Verde resort. After a fully comprehensive bar visit, several witnesses spotted him staggering around the hotel sans uniform––and everything else. Stripped of his wings, the bare-assed frequent flyer pinballed from the reception area to the spa, presumably leaving a contrail of boozy fumes in his wake. An EasyJet spokesperson later said the pilot had been immediately removed from duty––giving him a bit more time to find those pesky missing pants.

 

The Dim-witted Dingbat Award

…goes to the US influencer visiting Australia who spotted a junior wombat in the forest and did what any considerate wildlife-lover would do: she picked up the writhing marsupial, skipped across the road and announced to her Insta-viewers, “I caught a baby wombat.” The critter’s unamused mother was already in hot pursuit when the asinine abductor placed the now-hissing furball back on terra firma. But the hissing continued online, with posters slamming into her like a mob of boxing kangaroos on steroids. Australian authorities soon announced they were reviewing the wombat-worrier’s visa, prompting her to flee the country before they picked her up.

 

The Total Drip Award

…goes to the Chinese tourist who tried to cancel her Hainan hotel reservation after “a change of plans.” But since she was already occupying the room, she was refused a refund. Her response? She called police and a local government hotline, then ratcheted up her rage by turning on all the taps in her second-floor accommodation. Several hours later, the hotel’s lobby began filling with water, prompting a second police call––this time from the manager. Regretting she hadn’t just posted a pithy Tripadvisor review, the unwilling guest admitted her faucet faux pas and agreed to pay for repairs––costing 280 times the original room rate.

 

The Coke Isn’t It Award

…goes to the American tourist who boated to a highly restricted Indian Ocean island to contact an untouched tribe. Outsiders are banned from the coral-fringed landmass to protect its Sentinelese residents from external disease and influence. But that didn't stop the 24-year-old from whistling offshore for an hour to attract their attention, before landing on the beach and leaving some offerings: a coconut and a can of Diet Coke. Indian police arrested the unwanted explorer on his return, which was a lucky outcome for him: the last time an illegal visitor reached the island in 2018, the locals killed him.

 

The Unwelcome Spot Polish Award…

…goes to the countless visitors to Dublin’s Molly Malone bronze statue who snap photos of the famous figure while manhandling a certain part of her anatomy for good luck. Local campaigner Tilly Cripwell told the BBC that tourists continually grope the iconic figure, reducing her to a pair of breasts and “setting a really bad example to younger generations.” Responding to the incontrovertible evidence of Malone’s blindingly shiny décolletage, the city council says it’s now looking into elevating her onto a higher, less handsy plinth.

 

The Only Here for the Beer Award

…goes to the Australian tourist who filmed himself at a cemetery in Japan––drinking a can of beer left as a ceremonial gift to the deceased at one of the graves. The online backlash was swift, with local police reportedly launching an investigation. Tokyo’s Australian Embassy also waded in, issuing a statement reminding visitors from the home of Victoria Bitter “to respect and observe local laws and rules.” The boorish boozehound later issued an “apology” that caused even further offence, suggesting his imbibing had continued long after that single tombstone tinnie.